Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Good evening everyone (or morning or afternoon or whenever you're reading this) and welcome to something I said I'd never have... Paul's Blog!

Enough of the idle chit chat, I'd like to get down to some serious business right off the bat - Breast Cancer Awareness Month!

I think this is truly a marvelous commentary on our country's love of breasts. Who am I to argue? I love them too and unless you've been living under a rock or happen to be color-blind to the color pink, you must be aware that we've dedicated an entire month to only thing that could ever go wrong with breasts. Hell yeah! I think this is fantastic!

However, I think all the other cancers are just going to become more jealous and finish us off out of spite. You know, the ones that can't be treated. In an effort to save us all from jealous cancers, I'd like to propose the following:

January - It's cold as hell in Ohio in January and we're always freezing our nuts off, so we'll use the color blue to match the color of the aforementioned genitalia to raise awareness of testicular cancer!
February - Everything's already red and white for Valentines day, so let's just piggy back on that and go with Leukemia
March - It's green, but since we don't have any green organs, we'll make the leap to St. Patrick's day which ruins your Liver just like Liver Cancer
April - I've got good news Mr. Smith, your tests came back and it's just bronchitis. April Fools! you're dying from Lung Cancer! Here's a purple ribbon...
May - April showers bring May Flowers, but what do May Flowers bring? They bring Pilgrims and Pilgrims wore black which I am now designating for Pancreatic Cancer!
June, July and August - All three of these fine summer months will be marked by the color orange and dedicated to making all those brain-dead, human saddlebags aware that laying out in the sun all summer give you skin cancer
September - This will also be Breast Cancer Awareness month. Jealosy be damned, I love breasts and it only makes sense to have two months for it since women have two breasts and hey, just like the real things, they're right next to each other. This month will also serve as the meeting-like e-mail tag line "Please forward this to anyone (in this case, any cancer not on this list) that I may have inadvertently left off the list."
October - Still Breast Cancer Awareness Month because I LOVE BREASTS!
November - This is one of those weird months where elementary schools use brown to decorate everything. Why brown I'll never know, but it seems like the perfect match for for colon cancer!
December - Nothing says Merry Christmas and Happy New Year like Prostate Cancer!

There, I saved all your asses from the other jealous cancers. You're welcome. Now get out there and enjoy a few breasts before their sole moth of awareness is over and everyone forgets they even exist until next year!