For those of you familiar with the Youngstown area, you've most likely heard of the Jib Jab Hot Dog Shoppe. Everyone everywhere should have heard of it by now because their sign claims that they're "World Famous" and I seriously doubt that people who have made of living out of serving whatever mystery material those things are made of would lie to us.
Anywho, about 10 or 12 years ago they got so big that they outgrew their location in Girard and built a brand new building that is nothing less than a shrine to this American staple. It's a veritable Taj Mahal as far as hot dog diners go. A building this large could only be built in the thriving metropolis of... well, Girard. Right next door to the existing old one.
I could go on and on about this fine establishment's lack of brain power behind the counter, my general disdain for its questionable patrons, or its quirky position in our society of being a huge Sunday afternoon dating locale for the broke local teenagers, but most of that would be a retread of some of my earlier blogs so I won't waste your time with that. Instead, I'd like to touch on what's become of the old building that used to house of this fine, fine blog fodder.
It's now a Spay and Neuter Clinic.
This got me to wondering... Girard is one of those weird little towns that you would only hear of in the Offbeat section of USAToday, so I wouldn't put it past them to do such a thing... I wonder if I look back through the town's records if I'll find some weird zoning restriction for that particular parcel of land that would only allow it to be used for businesses pertaining to wieners...
Didn't see that coming did you?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
This Week In Clothes. A Tale in Two Parts (more or less)
Ah, Pants
I had the dubious task this weekend of shopping for new pants. Thanks in large part to my current position, I now go through them twice as fast as ever thanks to the random assortment of uncleanable chemicals I deal with in combination with the nearly endless sitting on my ass I'm forced to endure. I went through fewer pairs in the 6-1/2 years I was at Packard than I have in the 2 I've been in my current position.
At the rate I go through them, I find it's best to just go with the inexpensive JC Penny's brand, St. John's Bay. I used the word inexpensive instead of cheap because they do hold up rather well under normal conditions. Anyway, it's kind of rare to find pants in my size just sitting there on the shelf, but I can't just order them through the catalog because, while they do use quality fabric and such, their assembly leaves a great deal to be desired. I currently own 3 different sizes of said pants in three different waist sizes that fit exactly the same - that's the size of a friggin' hotdog for crying out loud!
Anyways, I ventured outside my comfort zone on this shopping trip because Penny's was having their "It's the 3rd Saturday of the month One-Day Only two-day Sale Preview" sale, so I tried to remedy my dwindling pant supply issue in one fail swoop and try on some other makers' wears.
I think Docker's new logo should be "Dockers: For the man with no ass!" and American Living could go with "American Living: For the men with giant asses and toothpick legs and oh yeah, by the way, don't be fooled by our name because none of this crap is actually made in America." However, I must give them credit where credit is due because whatever country they made them in knows how to measure! The waist sizes were painstakingly measured to have a standard deviation less than that of the aforementioned meat-like stadium snack.
After trying on these other brands I wandered back towards the old standbys but found a table of the most technological advance in pant-related technology the world has seen in years. It's the Holy Grail of pants! It's Haggar's Self Delusional Slacks!
I'm relative certain that's not what they called them, but they're phenomenal! They're like maternity pants for men, but way more subtle. They have an elastic quality to the waistband like that of the slicker-than-shit Flex-Fit Hats. It's got some stretch to it, but it doesn't have those bunchy elastic sections that are so popular with toddler and old people crowd! I can continue to delude myself into thinking that I'm continuing to wear the same size pants that I have for years even though these things will expand to like 10 sizes bigger! And no one will know unless I point it out. Sweet...
If I could figure out how to apply this technology to women's dresses, you know so they could all continue to "wear the same size they did in high school" (wink, wink) - I'd be a freakin' bazillionaire!
My Increasingly Irregular Shirt and The Magic of Wal-Mart
I have a novelty T-shirt that came into my possession from Wal-Mart. It's especially witty by any standards, but especially Wal-Mart. It features two gnomes who appear to be from the lower socio-economic region of wherever it is that gnomes come from and they're wearing sunglasses while folding their arms. They would be the equivalent of gnome wannabes if there were such things as black gnomes (I defy you to find one!). The quote emblazoned across the front says "Hangin' With My Gnomies". Clever, no?
Anyway, upon placing this fine piece of Nicaraguan craftsmanship upon my person, I noticed that the entire printed portion of the shirt was askew. Given the nature of this shirt (as I described in detail above), this may have been done on purpose to enhance it's urban vibe. Yes, I know it's probably just another f*#ked up piece of Wal-Mart crap, but please just leave me to my happy delusions.
Anyway, the more I wear this shirt, the more irregular it becomes. The first couple times, it was an odd shift where the already askew logo was seemingly drifting towards the right side of the shirt. The last time it was worn, the neck had grown to an opening at least twice the size of my already enormous melon of a head. How does it get that big if it's not stretched over something larger?! Today, however, was easily the strangest occurrence to date. Not only was the neck now three times the size of my head, the logo drifted so far to the right that only the gnomes heads could be seen peering out from under my armpit, but the shirt is now somehow three inches longer on the left side than the right!
I verified this by centering my neck in the enormous neck hole as best I could given the now mammoth size discrepancy and made sure that the sleeves ended in the same approximate location on each arm. Sure as shit, the thing was three inches longer!
I know I should probably just throw it away because it's pretty much useless, cursed, or both but I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on it early. I want to test my hypothesis that eventually those little pointy-hat wearing little gnome wiggers will wind up on the back, which will actually be my ass because the neck hole will eventually fit around my waist!
Friggin' Wal-Mart...
I had the dubious task this weekend of shopping for new pants. Thanks in large part to my current position, I now go through them twice as fast as ever thanks to the random assortment of uncleanable chemicals I deal with in combination with the nearly endless sitting on my ass I'm forced to endure. I went through fewer pairs in the 6-1/2 years I was at Packard than I have in the 2 I've been in my current position.
At the rate I go through them, I find it's best to just go with the inexpensive JC Penny's brand, St. John's Bay. I used the word inexpensive instead of cheap because they do hold up rather well under normal conditions. Anyway, it's kind of rare to find pants in my size just sitting there on the shelf, but I can't just order them through the catalog because, while they do use quality fabric and such, their assembly leaves a great deal to be desired. I currently own 3 different sizes of said pants in three different waist sizes that fit exactly the same - that's the size of a friggin' hotdog for crying out loud!
Anyways, I ventured outside my comfort zone on this shopping trip because Penny's was having their "It's the 3rd Saturday of the month One-Day Only two-day Sale Preview" sale, so I tried to remedy my dwindling pant supply issue in one fail swoop and try on some other makers' wears.
I think Docker's new logo should be "Dockers: For the man with no ass!" and American Living could go with "American Living: For the men with giant asses and toothpick legs and oh yeah, by the way, don't be fooled by our name because none of this crap is actually made in America." However, I must give them credit where credit is due because whatever country they made them in knows how to measure! The waist sizes were painstakingly measured to have a standard deviation less than that of the aforementioned meat-like stadium snack.
After trying on these other brands I wandered back towards the old standbys but found a table of the most technological advance in pant-related technology the world has seen in years. It's the Holy Grail of pants! It's Haggar's Self Delusional Slacks!
I'm relative certain that's not what they called them, but they're phenomenal! They're like maternity pants for men, but way more subtle. They have an elastic quality to the waistband like that of the slicker-than-shit Flex-Fit Hats. It's got some stretch to it, but it doesn't have those bunchy elastic sections that are so popular with toddler and old people crowd! I can continue to delude myself into thinking that I'm continuing to wear the same size pants that I have for years even though these things will expand to like 10 sizes bigger! And no one will know unless I point it out. Sweet...
If I could figure out how to apply this technology to women's dresses, you know so they could all continue to "wear the same size they did in high school" (wink, wink) - I'd be a freakin' bazillionaire!
My Increasingly Irregular Shirt and The Magic of Wal-Mart
I have a novelty T-shirt that came into my possession from Wal-Mart. It's especially witty by any standards, but especially Wal-Mart. It features two gnomes who appear to be from the lower socio-economic region of wherever it is that gnomes come from and they're wearing sunglasses while folding their arms. They would be the equivalent of gnome wannabes if there were such things as black gnomes (I defy you to find one!). The quote emblazoned across the front says "Hangin' With My Gnomies". Clever, no?
Anyway, upon placing this fine piece of Nicaraguan craftsmanship upon my person, I noticed that the entire printed portion of the shirt was askew. Given the nature of this shirt (as I described in detail above), this may have been done on purpose to enhance it's urban vibe. Yes, I know it's probably just another f*#ked up piece of Wal-Mart crap, but please just leave me to my happy delusions.
Anyway, the more I wear this shirt, the more irregular it becomes. The first couple times, it was an odd shift where the already askew logo was seemingly drifting towards the right side of the shirt. The last time it was worn, the neck had grown to an opening at least twice the size of my already enormous melon of a head. How does it get that big if it's not stretched over something larger?! Today, however, was easily the strangest occurrence to date. Not only was the neck now three times the size of my head, the logo drifted so far to the right that only the gnomes heads could be seen peering out from under my armpit, but the shirt is now somehow three inches longer on the left side than the right!
I verified this by centering my neck in the enormous neck hole as best I could given the now mammoth size discrepancy and made sure that the sleeves ended in the same approximate location on each arm. Sure as shit, the thing was three inches longer!
I know I should probably just throw it away because it's pretty much useless, cursed, or both but I'll be damned if I'm going to give up on it early. I want to test my hypothesis that eventually those little pointy-hat wearing little gnome wiggers will wind up on the back, which will actually be my ass because the neck hole will eventually fit around my waist!
Friggin' Wal-Mart...
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I got carded!
Generally when people get carded you generally get one of two responses:
Men: "I'm a 40 year old with three days of stubble and a beer gut older than the little punk who just asked to see my ID"
Women: "Woohoo! He still thinks I look like younger than 21." (Sidebar: He doesn't really think that - he's fishing for a bigger tip)
Anyway, that's not where this was intended to go, so I digress.
I was in Office Max the other day and as I was checking out I was asked to present my ID.
I know what you're thinking "Wow! I can by beer and wine at Office Max now! Sweet! I can fully stock my personal business with every office supply known to man and then drink myself into oblivion when it all goes belly up! One stop shopping at its finest - BRILLIANT!" Unfortunately, that's not it at all. Apparently alcohol is not the only thing you get carded for nowadays.
As I stood there in line with my wife of almost 7 years, and my four year old daughter to purchase a new phone, some CD's, some book ends and a frame, some middle-aged, putz-ass district regional sub-level associate afternoon manager in charge of bagging shit and taking money wanted to see my license because you now need to be 18 to buy cans of compressed air to clean your computer equipment.
I think this guy just made my King of the Douche bags list! Jackass...
Men: "I'm a 40 year old with three days of stubble and a beer gut older than the little punk who just asked to see my ID"
Women: "Woohoo! He still thinks I look like younger than 21." (Sidebar: He doesn't really think that - he's fishing for a bigger tip)
Anyway, that's not where this was intended to go, so I digress.
I was in Office Max the other day and as I was checking out I was asked to present my ID.
I know what you're thinking "Wow! I can by beer and wine at Office Max now! Sweet! I can fully stock my personal business with every office supply known to man and then drink myself into oblivion when it all goes belly up! One stop shopping at its finest - BRILLIANT!" Unfortunately, that's not it at all. Apparently alcohol is not the only thing you get carded for nowadays.
As I stood there in line with my wife of almost 7 years, and my four year old daughter to purchase a new phone, some CD's, some book ends and a frame, some middle-aged, putz-ass district regional sub-level associate afternoon manager in charge of bagging shit and taking money wanted to see my license because you now need to be 18 to buy cans of compressed air to clean your computer equipment.
I think this guy just made my King of the Douche bags list! Jackass...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Something a little more lighthearted...
Perhaps my humor is mostly in the delivery and loses a bit of something in print, but my comment about wanting at least two people was my way of trying to get more people to read this thing. I type excruciatingly slow, so if the only ones reading this are named Jones or Cooley, I can just do that in person and save myself all kinds of time!
However, since Ms. Myers-Cooley caught me in a technicality, I will honor my bargain with some more lighthearted fare. Here is a list of my favorite bands that almost no one else has ever heard of. I have ranked them from 1 (Stop what you're doing right now, even if you're giving birth and go download as much as you possibly can right now) through 10 (Make sure you hear them before the day is out.)...
1. Off Kilter - Perhaps the only rock band in the history of man to feature a bagpipe player
2. The Saw Doctors - Lost the battle of the bands some 20+ years ago to U2. Not as marketable as Bono, but far more fun and talented
3. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Simply the best Indy band of all time
4. Gov't Mule - One of the few blues-rock bands still hangin' on
5. The Fratelli's - They defy description - go find them!
6. Goldfinger - Their last few albums have been a bit weak and preachy, but the return of their original guitarist has already turned the clock back 10 years
7. Brad Paisley - If you listen to country, you definitely know who he is, but if not, listen to "Ticks" online somewhere - brilliant!
8. Me First and the Gimme Gimme's - A punk cover band that's not eve a real band!?
9. Wolfmother - a weird Led Zepplin/Black Sabath hybrid from Australia
10. Army of Anyone - the least well known of the mix and match bands like Velvet Revolver or Audioslave, but this one features the singer from Fuel and what's left of the Stone Temple Pilots
Enjoy!
However, since Ms. Myers-Cooley caught me in a technicality, I will honor my bargain with some more lighthearted fare. Here is a list of my favorite bands that almost no one else has ever heard of. I have ranked them from 1 (Stop what you're doing right now, even if you're giving birth and go download as much as you possibly can right now) through 10 (Make sure you hear them before the day is out.)...
1. Off Kilter - Perhaps the only rock band in the history of man to feature a bagpipe player
2. The Saw Doctors - Lost the battle of the bands some 20+ years ago to U2. Not as marketable as Bono, but far more fun and talented
3. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Simply the best Indy band of all time
4. Gov't Mule - One of the few blues-rock bands still hangin' on
5. The Fratelli's - They defy description - go find them!
6. Goldfinger - Their last few albums have been a bit weak and preachy, but the return of their original guitarist has already turned the clock back 10 years
7. Brad Paisley - If you listen to country, you definitely know who he is, but if not, listen to "Ticks" online somewhere - brilliant!
8. Me First and the Gimme Gimme's - A punk cover band that's not eve a real band!?
9. Wolfmother - a weird Led Zepplin/Black Sabath hybrid from Australia
10. Army of Anyone - the least well known of the mix and match bands like Velvet Revolver or Audioslave, but this one features the singer from Fuel and what's left of the Stone Temple Pilots
Enjoy!
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